Is this about heterosexuality or monosexuality?

Monosexuality in general is hard for me to personally understand (but again, I fully believe everyone knows their own sexuality best). That said, gay people had to do some soul searching to arrive at gay (since the dominant cultural narrative told everyone they were straight for a very long time). So gay people are probably more likely than straight people to have considered if they’re truly monosexual or not.
I wrote another little piece for Human Parts about coming out to my mom. I definitely grew up being fed the idea that, unless you were 100% gay, you could choose an “easy life” by living as straight. I lived with society assuming I was straight when I really wasn’t, so I imagined everybody else was doing that too. Whenever someone would make a comment about how, if they were a different gender, they would fuck such-and-such celebrity, that felt like confirmation that no one was actually straight, but everyone was afraid to believe it or admit it.

Would you understand a lesbian who wanted to be your only vagina?

I really want to reiterate that everyone understands their own sexuality better than I ever could. That said, I have my own vagina, so right there, hers wouldn’t be my only. But yeah, I personally have not chosen partners based on their genitals, so it’s just not where I’m coming from, regardless of what the genitals are. But everyone’s different.

I’m fine with my girlfriend being with other men, I don’t feel threatened.

That’s awesome for y’all. Yes, there isn’t one way to be hetero. My story is definitely a window into my own very specific marriage.

One analogy I can think of is that in BDSM submissive people are limited to dominant people, they’re just wired that way.

Yeah, see, I guess even with this, I’m like, how could you know you’ll never meet anyone who your power dynamics would be different with? Maybe you’ve always been submissive, but someone else will bring out a different side of you? Again, everyone knows themselves best, but in my head, we have long lives and are always changing, and you never know.

Also, when people identify as 100% something, I don’t think that it’s set in stone, it usually implies “as far as I know, so far I didn’t see a reason to consider redefining it”.

It’s been exciting for me to see a lot of comments from people who thought of themselves as 100% only because they’d never thought deeply about it before, but after reading this, they’re considering for the first time if that 100% fits anymore.
I agree with you that an open mind is a good thing. Many discussions have shown my husband to be committed to the 100% label, and that’s what took me some time to fully believe.

Thanks for your comment!

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Empathy for the win! Published in Gen, Human Parts, Heated, Tenderly —Feminism, Sexuality, Veganism, Anti-Racism, Parenting. She/They darcyreeder.substack.com

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