My husband and I are in bed at the end of what felt like a very long day.
We aim for equality every day: equal time working, equal time parenting. Time together. Time apart.
But today it felt like I was holding the world together by myself.
I’m trying to tell him how hard it was, looking for appreciation, looking for a promise that he’ll help me get more me time tomorrow.
He’s not hearing me: He’s defending. He’s explaining. He’s excusing. He’s rationalizing.
I take a deep breath, measure my words, make sure this comes out as an “I statement”:
“I feel unappreciated and alone.”
“Well, you’re choosing to feel those things.”
Clearly, we need some help communicating.
I came across some relationship advice claiming to fix everything.
A whole new frame for seeing the world:
Here was advice, aimed at men, to stop doing exactly what he was doing: DEERing — Defending, Explaining, Excusing, Rationalizing.
The only problem was, the advice came at the expense of my status as an equal member of my marriage.
Enough mystery: I’m talking about The Red Pill. And specifically, I’m talking about Married Red Pill.
From the FAQ of the Married Red Pill (MRP) subreddit, which has over 24,000 subscribers (and I’ve got to assume thousands more lurkers who don’t want their wives to know):
“We are men that (sic) subscribe to The Red Pill (TRP) philosophy of sexual strategy, and are dedicated to applying it in marriage or in Long Term Relationships.”
“This is the Red Pill on hard mode.”