Thank you thank you thank you for writing this!!!! Just this week I had the same thought when I was watching what I thought was vanilla and suddenly she was getting choked, with no dialogue about it. It was treated as just part of “normal” sex, not an uncomfortable change that needed to be discussed and approved. It’s the same thing with gagging, and I definitely think you’re right that it’s getting considered to be vanilla because it’s just thrown in there.
And I keep seeing it from the mom perspective too. Love this!