This is something I’ve been processing lately. Just last night, I talked to my husband about how often — with him and with others — I figured things would go best if I suffered through something rather than saying no.
He was appalled of course, but part of me is still in that mindset of men saying they want you to be straight-up with them, but also…I don’t know. I’m still figuring all this out.
My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry you went through this. I’m glad other commenters have helped you understand that (we see) this was clearly rape. And I hope there is a degree of healing by knowing that you’re not crazy to feel that way.
I have tried anal sex quite a few times, and I hated it, and like I was talking about at the beginning, it’s one of the things I’ve kept trying to do because I was prioritizing a man’s desire over my own right to be free from intense pain. But thankfully when it got to be way too much, I was able to give a clear (crying, freak-out) “No” and was listened to. It is absolutely criminal that this man did not listen. ❤